


Insecurities

by charmainders



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Domestic, Falling In Love, Fluff, Happy Ending, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:36:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27136021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmainders/pseuds/charmainders
Summary: Sugawara, as much as he wants to be confident like some of his teammates, he struggles with his own feelings and tries to understand what's troubling him so much. Gradually, he comes to terms with them, and gets better at expressing it through the years.Or: a 5+1 fic of all the times Sugawara experienced a negative emotion, and the one time it's good.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 50





	Insecurities

**Author's Note:**

> just a couple of notes before the fic!!
> 
> \- i am aware of the canon that daichi is, in fact, a cop, but it just didn't feel right, so instead i went with everyone's favourite version: fireman daichi!!  
> \- most of the fic follows sugawara over the span of the years.

**I. Passiveness.**

Sugawara, to begin with, is a simple man.

He likes the basics: he likes the way his room brightens up when he changes his bedsheets, the way his new sheets smell like the sun; his shoes are a simple white with blue-green accents, his hair combed in a certain way, and he packs his schoolbag in a specific manner so he doesn’t get lost in his mountain of books and jerseys, and he packs his club room locker in such a clean way that none of the others can comprehend how it works, but for sure it’s better than looking at Tanaka’s locker and smelling the sweat that reeked out of it sometimes, so he’s counting his blessings, really.

But sometimes he likes the complicated too, like how he likes running halfway across the court to set up a spike and feel the wind blow in his hair, or how he has to block Kageyama’s trajectory in the middle of practice just to make sure Hinata doesn’t get a fist to the face for a badly timed spike, even if Suga knows it’s meant to be a joke.

Sometimes Suga wonders what it’s like to be the reverse – instead of being on the slightly more passive side of things, how it would be like to be in command of everything. To be able to control everyone, and they would obey, or be able to talk without having second thoughts about whether the current conversation will backfire too fast.

And then his mindset changes when he’s placed as vice-captain alongside Daichi, or rather he takes up the responsibility because he's one of the only three third years left.

For the most part, Daichi is the opposite of him when it comes to speaking up – he’s loud, able to command, and he learns fast how to lead with an iron fist; it secretly leaves Suga in envy at his instant confidence around a team of confused first years who were just beginning to build chemistry with each other on the court. It’s admirable how quick he gains respect from their new coach, but one day Daichi seems to notice, and he sits beside Suga on a hot afternoon while they’re on a ten-minute water break so Ukai can advise the first years on their timing.

“Is something troubling you?” Daichi asks as he turns his attention to the silver haired teen, sipping from his bottle and wiping off the thin layer of sweat that’s formed on his forehead, cheeks flushed from the intensive conditioning and drills they’ve been doing for the last hour or so. Suga turns his head slightly to look at him and raises a brow.

“Why the sudden question?” Suga quips, brushing his hair back between his fingers loosely, untangling a small bit that has gotten tangled somehow.

Daichi laughs under his breath, now looking away and out to the courtyard. “I’ve noticed the way you look at the freshmen and seem to be thinking at a rate that’s equal to the Shinkansen at full speed, or at least that’s the impression I get.” He explains his concern, which Suga can easily pick up after spending the last two over years with him, he knows the meaning behind every laugh and the way each type of laugh may not be real. This one does feel genuine, but it’s laced with concern for his vice-captain and he is more than appreciative that he’s been looking out.

Suga stretches his legs out, letting it extend over the two steps that leads down to the dirt path beneath them. “I’m concerned that the team doesn’t see me as an actual leader the way they do with you, and I want to be more vocal rather than just observing and being passive.”

Daichi doesn’t seem to be surprised, it’s a valid concern, but still, Suga can still see the surprise that’s buried in his forehead. “You know that’s not true.” Daichi starts, “You look out for them even when you’re passive, and you always advise them about minute things that not even Ukai Sensei seems to notice. And you’re always helping me, too, especially these couple of weeks, while we’ve gotten busier with practice and camps.”

Suga turns his gaze to look at Daichi again, and he’s thinking deeply about what Daichi said. Has he really been doing all that? If Daichi has mentioned it, it’s likely he meant it, considering he’s the most trustworthy person he’s met, never afraid to hold back on what he wants to say.

“Thank you, for thinking that way.” He starts and tries to think of something to say before Coach Ukai claps for their attention to get back to the court for practice matches. The two of them are on their feet, and instantly back on the court, on the same team. The side glance Daichi gives from the front, filled with confidence and trust in his eyes; it makes Suga feel confident that he’s doing the right thing, and for once, he feels like he’s on equal footing with Daichi.

He serves and sets perfectly for the team through the day, earning a fist bump from Daichi.

The evening ends with all of them waiting at the gate, and walking to the shop, where Daichi treats everyone to hot, steaming meat buns fresh from the warmer. When Suga receives the last packet, he frowns and glances at Daichi. “What about you?” he asks, brows furrowed even though his stomach is growling at him to eat the damn bun already.

“You can have it. I live closer to school, so it’s not an issue.” Daichi shrugs it off, but Suga refuses the answer, reaching into his bag and tearing the meat bun into perfect halves and hands one half to Daichi.

“We can share ours. No buts. It’s a way for me to say thank you for looking out for me.” Suga gave a tiny smile, glancing between his outstretched arm and Daichi takes a moment to process it before he eventually does take the bun with a grateful smile himself.

He thanks his own lucky stars that a person as caring as Daichi exists.

 **II. Insignificant.**  
Saturday late nights are a time when Suga is usually split between two worlds – the healthy one consists of him finishing up his weekend homework and turning in early after watching some late night show; the unhealthy one, however, consists of doing homework, yes, but it’s the _bare minimum_ sometimes and he’ll spend the rest of the night curled up in his bed, comforter over his body, and staring out of his window.

Tonight, it’s the latter.

Since senior year started he’s had sleepless nights occasionally, but these couple of nights it’s become more frequent as graduation only inches closer to being a reality. He’s still not sure what he’ll want to do in college; he only knows he has a space being offered to him by a university, somewhere within Tokyo, somewhere comfortably slot into a bit of the city that isn’t overly crowded and he’s sure he can fit right in if he tried.

But now he’s not sure – the university had given him the option to start the following spring after graduation, or he could wait another year, take some time off, and sign up for classes then when he’s mentally ready to do so. As much as Suga wants to go, his heart is stuck in Miyagi, and somewhat with someone.

_Daichi._

He doesn’t really remember when he realized. All he knows is that he came to it one day when they were walking home, in the slightly orange sky beyond them. Most of the team had already gone the other way or they’d been dropped off, leaving Suga and Daichi together. In those moments he feels entirely comfortable standing beside Daichi, even with how intimidating Daichi seemed at times. Both of them are basking in the silence when Suga speaks up.

“There’s a university in a quiet bit of Tokyo that has offered me a place, but I’m not sure if I want to go next spring or the following.” He starts, playing at the zip of his jacket as he tries to piece his words together. It’s one of those casual starting conversations, but it’s all Suga really has the mind to comprehend at this very moment.

Daichi turns a little to look at him with a look that’s both confused and curious. “Why don’t you want to go next year? I mean, Tokyo in spring is perfect-”

 _“-with cherry blossoms.”_ Suga lets out a gentle laugh, and he glances at Daichi now, “I thought you’d ask me to stay behind in Miyagi. Considering our families already know each other and we’re basically inseparable.” He teases, but it’s light-hearted, in all fairness, and that makes Daichi laugh, the kind that’s a belly laugh and it’s so genuine that Suga wants to lean over and kiss his lips.

**Wait.**

Suga brushed that thought quickly out of his mind. _What was that?_ He didn’t know how to respond to that thought, and he kept it swallowed down as he continued his conversation with Daichi. “In all seriousness…I’m not confident about what I want.”

“Well, what do you want, for yourself?” Daichi stops in his tracks, making Suga stop too, and the two of them make eye contact for a second, but it’s enough for him to feel something. It’s a mix between a wave of sparks up his spine, or something switching on in his mind, or his feet are suddenly cold despite wearing socks and shoes against the path of the road.

_He wants Daichi. More than anything._

_Nope._ He can’t say this out loud, not when Daichi has his plans so set in stone, the way he’s so confident about his future. He’s going to the firefighting academy to save lives the best way he knows how, Suga is so sure of it, unlike himself, who often felt like an empty bottle, swept up in the waves of the world, unable to grasp, so he just lets go and floats into the waves beyond, hoping someone will hold onto him.

For a second he’s silent.

“Suga?” he hears a deeper voice, and he looks up, making eye contact with Daichi again, who brings him back to the ground, his gentle, concerned gaze a stable footing for him to finally stand on again after all those thoughts.

“I, erm…I just want to be someone who’s more confident.” He nodded, trying to be as truthful as he can, and for what it’s worth, it’s true; he’s trying harder these days. He volunteers at the kindergarten near his house during the holidays to help them with special classes, picked up cooking so he could trust himself more when he learnt a new recipe.

“Follow your heart, then.” Daichi gives a gentle smile, and Suga thinks he wants to just melt into a puddle there with the way he does. Hazel eyes softer than the clouds that hung over them, yet so comfortable to look at, and the way his eyes seem to help him gain a comfortable footing on the world that’s threatening to shake and split with how fast the days are going till they graduate.

Suga snaps out of the memory, glancing back at the stars that twinkle, along with a smiling, crescent moon that hangs low tonight. He’s not sure how he feels about what he was told that night, but Daichi had a point. He was always going to be that encouraging pillar in his life, pushing him forward constantly and helping him back on his feet until they couldn’t.

He knows now, as he stares to the sky, that he might have feelings for the captain. Sue him; Daichi was hot, he could be commanding, and sometimes, Suga thinks back to it, he just wants to be alone with Daichi, in his own bed, just so they could do whatever they wanted, kiss and make out until they were too br-

_Time out. That was too much to think about._

He has his legs tucked against his chest, and he tries not to overthink again, but as he begins to drift off again, he dreams about the possibility of spending somewhat of a life with him, cuddled in white sheets in the comfort of their own home, the sun’s rays barely coming through the white, translucent curtains. He dreams of Daichi tugging him closer, holding his hand, kissing his knuckles, helping him solve a problem at work, and massaging a sore out of his muscles. Dreams about the simplicities that comes with living together; the possibility of living till they were old together.

His dreams, even if confusing, are beautiful, filled with dreams of a future he _wants_ to grasp onto and never let go of.

And yet, it hasn’t helped him steer away from feeling insignificant.

**III. Longing**

Suga learns from Asahi that longing can be both good and bad.

Well, at least that’s what Asahi tries to offer to him as an explanation after Suga confesses about having a potential liking to the captain. He just needed an outlet for his frustration about college and all the necessities, having secured his spot to do general education; he didn’t expect to let his feelings about Daichi slip out during their training session. He has to slap his hand over Asahi’s mouth to shut him up when he squeaks a little too loud for comfort and catches the attention of Daichi, who’s busy helping Coach Ukai with administrative matters before they go to nationals.

“Well…” Asahi starts, “For one, longing for someone can be nice. It gives you a bit of motivation to push yourself to be the best version of yourself that you want the person you like to see, and it gives you something to think about when you’re bored.” Suga shoots him a look while they’re drinking from their bottles, wondering since when Asahi had become so poetic, but can’t find it in him to say anything. “On the flipside, longing for someone can have you thinking too much.” He continues after, and it makes Suga sigh as he leans against the hall’s door frame.

“You think I should give it up?” he asks after a beat, knowing he has to say something or this conversation is basically meaningless to have. Asahi is his good friend, too, they’ve been through hell and back, the three of them make a trio; hell, their uniforms were literally numbered one, two and three. If anyone, Asahi knew better.  
The gentle giant seems to give a look of uncertainty. “I’m not saying you should.”

“I mean, it would be easier.” Suga shrugs it off, getting to his feet again as he stands across Asahi. For about two months since he realized his feelings, most nights were plagued with thoughts. He dreamt so much about the two of them; sometimes he woke in cold sweat and forms a new routine of bathing in cold water before school so he doesn’t look like absolute shit. Other times it’s sweet and tender like the first time he dreamt of them, and he feels refreshed after.

Asahi lets out a small sigh. “You know that’s not true.”

“I just know that it is.”

Coach Ukai doesn’t give them a chance to continue, signalling for them to return to the court so they can gear up for practice matches. He gets placed with Daichi on the same side again, and true to fashion, the former gives him a side glance that could only mean confidence and trust.

Suga’s heart skips a beat at it before he serves, but he swallows it down if anything.

During the weekend Daichi invites Suga over to finish up on that graded assignment and study for the upcoming exams, and despite how crappy he feels mentally, he agrees to the idea so he has something to look forward to at the least. He sits on the tatami mat at the table, books sprawled out on the table, but it’s almost midnight and neither of them can focus anymore, so both of them resolve to laying on Daichi’s bed together and glancing at the ceiling. Sometimes their deeper conversations happen there, but tonight Suga doesn’t really have anything to talk about.

He lays there, eyes wide open as he stares up, _thinking, wondering, dreaming._ He thinks back to when he first dreamt of the two of them, in the soft golden glow of the morning. Now he thinks about them both coming home in the future, spending their sunsets by the window in a house they can actually afford, thinking about how Daichi’s skin will glow in the last golden rays of the evening as the day comes to an end.

_Oh, wishful thinking._

He turns his head and body so he’s on his side now, and in his sight was now a sleeping Daichi. All he can think about now is how pretty his eyelashes are when he sleeps, how his cheeks are slightly pinkish for some reason, and how his lips part just a little. He’s sleeping so peacefully, Suga has no heart in him to wake him up. So he resolves to watching Daichi sleep, as creepy as it sounds, he spends a bit of time just tracing the other’s features with his own eyes; every curve and dip of his facial features, his perfect nose bridge, his cheekbones somewhat refined, and how his lips are perfect and they look so soft that _maybe_ if he kissed them Daichi wouldn’t even notice-

 _No. No, Suga. Absolutely not._ He can’t ruin their friendship with a potential mistake, so Suga scoots till his back is against the wall and he can comfortably think without being too close for comfort. His body is too wired to sleep, and he can barely register any other thought. 

_Longing isn’t a bad thing,_ he hears Asahi’s voice in his head, and Suga groans inwardly, arm over his eyes as he rolls on his back and tries to not think about anything so he can finally get some damn sleep that he feels like he deserves after the day.

_It sure as hell feels like it is._

**IV. Worry.**

Daichi hasn’t replied to his text since the week before. 

Normally, he wouldn’t worry. Considering finals week at his university and the written exam at the firefighting academy was looming closer for Daichi, he probably shouldn’t be worried about the fact that he’d been too busy to reply.

But it’s been seven days without an answer and Suga feels like he’s going insane.

The words on his laptop screen have started to swim a little too much for his liking, so he gets to his feet, rubs his eyes, tugs on his loose cardigan and heads to the living area. He sees his roommate, Iwaizumi, working hard with his assignments that have covered more than half of the coffee table in their dorm room. Somehow, in university, both of them had been assigned the same room, by some sheer chance, and both of them hit it off right away, joining the volleyball club in school together and falling into a natural routine with each other. 

When it’s Suga’s turn to do the groceries, Iwaizumi will clean the living area and clean out the kitchen. It feels natural, switching the responsibilities after two weeks, and even if he hates cleaning out the kitchen sometimes because he forgot some leftovers that have sat there for a while, he wouldn’t have asked for a better roommate, because Iwaizumi listens.

So it’s a good and small compromise to make.

Iwaizumi looks up from his notes and thick stack of books, and takes off his glasses, rubbing the space between his brows. “This is gonna keep me up all night, so you should go to bed first.” he sighs, leaning back and looking at his phone. “Waiting for a call, anyway.”

“From _who?”_ Suga teases lightly, and he ducks in case Iwaizumi is about this close to chucking a crushed up ball of paper at his head. The latter snorts, getting up and going to the kitchen. Suga sits on the couch, one leg on the couch and the other on the floor as he relaxes for a bit. He’s slightly hungry, but he can ignore the feeling. Probably just itching for a bite that he can quell with water.

“None of your business.” 

“Oh, lover boy is _blushing-”_ he laughs again, and immediately has his arms up in surrender as Iwaizumi nearly does chuck a piece of balled up paper at him. “For real, though. What’s up with you and Oikawa?”

Iwaizumi sighs. _“Complicated,”_ he digs through the fridge and grabs the carton of milk at the back, tears the side open and drinks directly from the small packet. “Says he wants time apart, but as soon as he can sort his thoughts out, he’ll tell me.”

“Oikawa is still the same. Never takes what he has in front of him and takes it for granted.” Suga comments, reaching for his phone in his pocket and checking if anything came in. Zero messages. Suga felt a stinging ache in his heart, but he doesn’t say anything else.

“Could say the same about you.” he hears the comment, and his head shoots up to look at his roommate, now done with his milk. “You haven’t stopped looking at your phone since dinner, and you usually don't if we have really good mapo tofu.” he points out, and Suga sighs. _Was he that easy to see through?_ He stretches his legs out and leans back against the sofa.

“Fine. What do you wanna know?”

“Everything that I should.” Iwaizumi negotiates, and Suga relents. Suga recounts everything that he’s been experiencing since third year, how he swallowed his pride on graduation and held the truth back so he would be able to leave Miyagi without any emotional pain if it failed; but now he’s got a thousand and one thoughts on whether that was the right idea because now all he can think about is him and how he longs to see his face again and see how good of an academy student he has become-

“Suga. _Breathe.”_ Iwaizumi grips his shoulders, and for a second Suga blinks, before realizing he’s been going on and on about Daichi that he forgot where he was for that moment. Suga reaches for his water and sips it, rubbing his face, and clears his mind. He’s not sure why everything just came pouring out now, but as far as he’s concerned, he’s bordering unhealthy with how much he overthinks.

His worry for Daichi has grown so much in the last few months, ever since he left Miyagi, and he wonders if this is something he should address. But with him being constantly busy with physical training and Suga himself managing his assignments, he’s had very little time to contemplate everything. So now when he’s seated with Iwaizumi, who’s similarly in the same situation as himself (albeit both Oikawa and Iwaizumi did care about each other and knew their feelings), his brain just goes into overdrive.

He can see Iwaizumi looking at him still. “You’ve got the bad case of overthinking, Suga.” he starts, hand on his knee to keep him grounded. He appreciates when Iwaizumi isn’t afraid to show care, and this is one of the times. “I know he’s busy, but maybe give him a call, or another message, it won’t hurt right?”

Suga contemplates. Between the fifteen messages he’s sent since the week prior and the multiple worried calls he’s tried to make to Daichi to check in on him (most of them going to his voicemail), he’s given up trying. But he doesn’t want to worry Daichi either. He brushes his hair back in his hands to clear his mind, and is about to speak when he hears Iwaizumi’s laptop ring out.

“Sorry, I gotta take this one.” Iwaizumi apologizes, moving himself to sit comfortably and placing the laptop on his lap. “I’ll talk to you about this again.” he offers, and Suga smiles for the first time in what feels like years, but in reality just weeks, months maybe.

“Good luck with Oikawa.”

“You too, with Daichi.” 

Suga laughs shakily under his breath, closing his room door and going to his bed, leaving his study table light on, and crawls under the sheets. The essay can wait, it’s only due the following week anyway, and he only has to complete the abstract, results and the final conclusions before he fact checks everything and has it vetted for plagiarism. He’s almost done, anyway, so maybe he deserves some form of decent sleep.

He checks his phone again - his screen is a picture of him and Daichi at a prefecture festival, too happy and faces stuffed with sweet goodies. They’re smiling, laughing almost. Suga’s heart aches as he stares at his screen. Maybe another message wouldn’t hurt.

_Hey, give me a call or message when you can. I’m worried about you, haven’t heard from you since last week. Would be nice to hear what you’re up to. I’ll reply in the morning, good night._

He places his phone on the dresser by his bed and soon his eyelids are too heavy to remain open, succumbing to the comfort of sleep and drifts off into dreamland at the sounds of Iwaizumi and Oikawa having a long conversation; his dreams a safe place for him to dream about a far future with Daichi in it without anyone else knowing.

On his dresser, his phone lights up, and his screen reads two messages and a picture.

 _Been a long week, sorry I haven’t been able to message. We were out on assignment with no signal and I hadn’t been able to text._

_I just got home not long ago, and I was about to text you. Sleep well, Suga._

The picture is of him, freshly showered, with the shirt that Suga bought for him as a gift.

**V. Acceptance.**

Suga’s spending the night at Daichi’s place again. 

Nothing new. Just two boys, now fully graduated, spending their newfound achievements and freedom in Daichi’s bedroom, drinking a bit, and talking about their plans. It felt like they were high schoolers again, with meat buns between them on his dresser, and one alcohol bottle for each of them. Suga has grown to love fruity alcohols recently, while Daichi liked something stronger. Both of them didn’t get drunk easily, though, and beer was like nothing to them. The lights were turned off, and the only source of light was Daichi’s table lamp.

Suga’s phone rests beside Daichi’s, playing soft beats off his playlist so the room wouldn’t be as quiet if they fell into silence.

Right now all Suga can think about is wanting to kiss Daichi, see how he tastes.

He shakes that thought _right off._

“It feels good.” he turns his attention to Daichi, seated on the floor across him with his legs spread and his back leaned against the wall. “It feels good to have something to hold onto. The fire department is already offering me a place and they want me to start next month.”

Suga gives a smaller smile, thinking. “There’s an elementary school just down the street from here that I applied to. They want me to start next term, when the new intake starts.”

Both of their smiles grow wider. And just as Suga had somehow hoped, both of them have chosen to spend their young adulthood in Miyagi, where everything familiar remains, and he hopes that they can both meet often enough.

“There’s something on your mind.” Daichi moves and lays down on his bed, legs dangling off the edge as he does. Suga can see his chest rising and falling steadily, and he gets to his feet, sitting beside him, parallel to him as he rests his back against the wall and his knees to his chest so they can still see each other. “There’s that frown you’re making that I’m not sure if you can tell, but I can see it.”

“That obvious?” Suga laughs, and Daichi does too. He rolls on his side, and props his head.

Suga contemplates his options. _Tell the truth, or go on a roundabout and end up getting seen through, anyway._ He sighed inwardly, shifting so he could lay down, their faces not too far off from each other, and with Daichi still looking at him. He’s silently prompting Suga. “I’ll give you the last meat bun if you tell me.” 

“That’s bribery and abuse of power from a public servant.”

“Well, it’s not illegal if it’s just your thoughts I’m extorting from you.”

Suga laughs again, because his humour never fails to make him feel somewhat better.

“Well...you know that I like guys, right?” he starts, eyes focused on the ceiling like there’s stars there that only he and Daichi can seem to see. Daichi nods encouragingly, urging him to continue. He knows Daichi would never be disgusted about this; he’s said this a couple of times back in high school, almost the whole club was aware. “Well...these last couple of years this...guy has been stuck in my head.” he continues again, feeling the way the other’s eyes were focused on him. “He’s sweet, nice enough to look out for me, and he’s always there even at some three in the morning to listen to me. He would pick up his phone without waiting, and he's always there even if just for a few minutes.” 

Daichi gives a shaky sigh and smile, which Suga can only interpret as somewhere between really proud and somewhat upset, because even if he knows every smile of his, he can’t tell what this is. “Is he from your university? Your roommate?”

“Daichi, you _know_ my roommate was Iwaizumi, and the two of them were making out on the goddamn couch, of all places, like catholic rabbits in heat on weekends when Oikawa travelled over to see him.” Suga deadpans, running his hand over his face. He turns to look at Daichi now, trying to find something in him to say, but he’s stopped because Daichi has that look in his eyes that he can’t explain why it stirs something in him. “You’re giving me that look again.”

“What look?”

“That look of giddy excitement you get sometimes when we have conversations like this.”

“In my defense we’ve hardly hung out, and this is the first time in a while we’re sleeping over!” he protests, and it makes Suga laugh under his breath, and soon Daichi does too, making them lay on their backs as they try to catch their breath. When both of them stop, they look at each other, and it’s that moment Suga feels deja vu again.

He remembers that night when they were both in his room, as Suga watched him sleep for a bit - the same features that now seemed to have sharpened slightly thanks to how hard he’s been working out at the academy, and he can distinctively feel how Daichi’s chest rises and falls with each deep breath he takes, his muscles moving with each breath. Suga hates how innocent his eyes are in the moment, because _nothing_ about Daichi's appearance screams innocent to him.

Their faces are inches too close to even be considered something that friends actually do, and suddenly it just clicks in his mind - all the times they’ve slept over and Daichi just lets him take his towels and shirts if he forgets, brings him an extra bento if Suga mentions his parents are out of town, helps him with his injuries and floor burns, and offers to listen at three in the morning. All of it just seems to make sense. If he doesn’t try now, he won’t know, screw the consequences. They could cross the bridge after he tried, he just wanted to know how Daichi tasted and what his first kiss would be like.

Suga sits up now, which makes Daichi sit up, concerned about his friend. The music couldn’t be anymore fitting, playing something about best friends falling in love, and Suga steels himself for what comes next and after. His eyes are hazy, and he can tell Daichi is still waiting for him to continue. Suga shakily presses his hand to his cheek, letting his thumb draw across his cheekbone, and for a moment he watches to gauge Daichi’s reaction.

Daichi doesn’t flinch, and instead, Suga can tell his eyes go hazy, too. _“Suga?”_

 _“Can I?”_ he asks softly for consent, wanting to know if this was okay, because if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be too late to save their first kisses _(he sincerely hopes it’s Daichi’s first kiss)_ for someone else. Their faces are barely inches apart once more, the lighting is low, and he can see how Daichi’s eyelashes flutter as he thinks.

It feels like hours before he gets an answer. “I would like that.”

Time seems to stop when he hears the words, and Suga moves closer, just close enough. He tilts his head just perfectly, even if awkward, fingers still gently touching his cheek, and without anymore hesitance, their lips meet.

It’s weird, at first, because he’s dreamt of this moment for a long time, but nothing can prepare him for how it truly feels on his own; his lips are soft, even if slightly chapped from the dry weather, he tastes slightly of the alcohol he’s been drinking, and his breath is warm as Daichi exhales in comfort midway into their kiss.

_It’s perfect beyond his dreams._

He pulls back slowly to catch his breath once more, inexperienced considering it was just a minute of being this close. Suga begins to take notice of things that have changed since they kissed - Daichi has his right hand on his hip, Suga’s almost half on his lap while he’s gotten to his knees, and both of their legs are partially in each other’s private space.

“By chance...was that guy you liked also from high school?” Daichi whispers to break the thoughts, making eye contact even if the light is too dim to see each other; Suga can still make out how his eyes are soft and filled with indescribable emotion.

Suga nods without another word, and leans in for another long kiss. He’s _craving, wanting, lusting for it,_ that his body just fits perfectly into Daichi’s when he resolves to moving into his lap and sitting with both his knees on each side of him. Both his hands are on his face now, and he shivers when he feels both of Daichi’s hands settle on Suga’s hips to support him. There’s no other movement other than their lips, slotting so perfectly, and they part after.

“He was the captain of the volleyball team.” Suga whispers to return his question, and Daichi’s lips curl into a smile, all the strings in his heart tugging harder with the way he sees the smile. It’s so beautiful, the way his eyes crinkle and his cheeks rise, and how they flush.

Daichi completes the final piece of the puzzle, an answer Suga has been hoping for all this time. “And the person I like was my vice.” 

Suga lets out a choked laugh and sob of happiness, the weight taken off his shoulders, and immediately launches himself forward to kiss Daichi so hard that Daichi just falls over and lets his head hit the pillow, and Suga’s on top of them both, clutching his face so hard that he can feel Daichi’s warm hands on his own, intertwining their fingers, and even that feels perfect. He can feel his own tears coming out at the corners of his eyes, but he could care less about wiping them off. Not when he’s kissing Daichi, the person he’s dreamt of so many nights, not when they’re finally admitting it.

The moan Daichi lets out is silent and almost close to not being heard when Suga attempts to deepen their kiss by nipping Daichi’s lip, and Suga knows, somehow he just knows that for a long time, the both of them will be in each others’ arms, safe from the world and unknown future that was out there.

When they part, Daichi’s arms open for him, and he rolls over so Suga can lay down, too. He burrows himself into his arms, and takes a deep breath, met with the warm, musky smell that comforts him just enough that it brings him to sleep, unable to fight how drowsy he gets. 

_Everything feels okay._

**\+ 1. Love.**

“Sugawara sensei!” a chorus of voices echo, and Suga glances up to his class just as all of them walk in to their desks after physical education, getting to his feet. 

His smile is unmistakable, and he waves in return. “Hello!”

As soon as the kids are seated, Suga begins his class. This year’s teaching roster has him in charge of a couple of a few first graders, his favourite, because planning classes for them meant _a lot_ of homeroom time. And during homeroom time, he liked to talk to them about values.

Today he writes onto the chalk board in careful, big strokes. He writes the character for love. “How do you read this word?”

 _“Love!”_ the class responds in unison, and he nods. 

“We’ll be talking about love and treating others with love, because the world out there needs more of it. Before we start,” he takes a small box out of his bag, and the kids are squirming in their seats, eager because they know that if they answer, it meant free candy. “Tell me how you love others, with words or actions. I’ll take five answers today.”

A few hands come up, and Suga points to a kid in the front with brown, long wavy locks. She moves to the front of the class and stands beside Suga, who bends down slightly so he can match her height and be less intimidating. “When I have dinner with my parents, I say thank you to mommy for cooking and to daddy for helping me with my homework.” she answers, and looks at Suga expectantly, hoping she gave a good answer.

Suga nods, giving her a piece of candy. “That’s a very common way to show love, Honoka-chan.” he claps for her as she returns to her seat, and points to another kid, urging them to come up.

“I like to tell my parents I love them by giving them good night kisses!” the kid beams excitedly, eyes bright. 

Suga gives a thumbs up, and offers a high five before the candy. “I like that. Simple but it must mean a lot!” 

“Thank you Sugawara sensei!”

The next kid is a little more hesitant to answer, but Suga likes to call up kids that are more shy to boost their confidence. He encourages her to go on, nodding when he whispers his answer to Suga. “When papa comes home from another country, we go to the airport to welcome him home and buy him his favourite mochi.”

He reminds Suga of himself, because his parents travelled a lot, but they were always home by the end of the week and Suga wanted nothing more than to curl up on the couch so they can watch movies together. “He must be very happy to see his child after a long trip.” Suga nods, ruffling the kid’s hair before giving the candy and getting him to return to his seat.

“Grandma and I like to cook together so that when my parents get home from work, they have warm food to eat!” A kid with pigtails exclaims when she reaches the front, excited and bright, almost starry-eyed, reminding him of Hinata. “We like to make katsudon together because papa likes it and sometimes we make ramen when mama comes home early.” 

Suga laughs at her excitement. “You can cook? That is _amazing,_ Sana-chan!” he claps again, and the class does too, “Can you cook for me next time?” he reaches out with his pinky finger.

“Okay!” she returns the promise, linking her tiny pinky with his, and taking the candy.

The last child reminds him distinctively of Asahi, tall for his age but meek and much quieter. He finds himself missing the team. “On weekends I help my parents water the flowers and we paint together.” 

“Very simple way to spend time together.” Suga nods, and pats the kid on the head too, giving him his candy and letting him return to his seat before he gets to his feet again and cleans the board. 

_“Sugawara sensei?”_ someone from the back calls out, and Suga turns around to look at them, “How do you like to show your love to others?” 

It stuns him for a moment. Nobody ever mentioned, but he knows this class, in particular, is good at asking questions that he can’t return an answer to sometimes. So Suga takes a moment to finish cleaning the board, dust his hands clean of chalk, and turn to the kids. His promise ring, sat on his fourth left finger, glimmers a bit in his view.

“Well, on days when my boyfriend and I both work, I’m usually home first, so I make dinner for him.” Suga starts, “Sometimes when he’s home early, we spend our nights watching shows together. I wait up for him when he comes home late, and on weekends we spend whatever time we have with each other.” he grins faintly, and he can tell his words are making some of the kids swoon. There’s whispers of _that’s so cute!_ and _aw!_ which makes him laugh. “Okay, okay, back to the topic. As I was saying earlier…”

The class ends later and it’s about four, so it means he’s in charge of dismissing them properly and making sure they leave before he does. He follows the kids to the gate, waving them goodbye, and to his surprise, there’s another man, obviously not a parent, who’s at the gate. He's dressed in his half uniform, mainly his fireman's shirt and dark coloured uniform pants. He's gotten a haircut recently, too, and his face was slightly scruffy, now.

“Daichi?” his eyes are wide as he walks forward, and Daichi laughs. “Aren’t you out on a field trip this week?”

“Well, we got back early, and I wanted to surprise you.” he explains, reaching his hand from behind and giving him a stalk of rose, making Suga feel like he was going to melt into a puddle internally as he takes the stalk. Behind him he can hear some of his students clapping and gasping as Suga clutches him tight, hugging him so close that it almost leaves both of them choking for air. Suga takes a moment to steady himself with his warmth and familiar smell, a mix of cotton and vanilla, and partially musky, too.

“Is that Sugawara sensei’s partner?” someone asks in between mutters and words, and Suga is blushing, laughing as he glances to Daichi, asking him silently to be pardoned. He turns around and looks at the kids. 

“If you don’t leave now I’m gonna give you all extra homework.” he tries to be scary, but the kids just laugh as they run out of the gate in small echoes of goodbyes. It’s the weekend, so everyone has tomorrow off. Suga turns back to Daichi.

“Let me grab my things from the staff room and then we can be on our way home,” he kisses Daichi’s cheek, and pulls his hands away, before none of them get anything done. Daichi nods, letting him out of his hold, and waits for him until Suga is sure he has all of the things he needs from his office, including some papers from his grade four class that he has to mark this weekend or he’s not gonna get anywhere with that class. “Okay, let’s go.” 

On rare occasions when Daichi is the one picking Suga up, they go to get takeout, and it also means a purchase of popcorn from the store not far from their house because they’re gonna watch movies after dinner until they fall asleep on top of each other on their bed. 

“Suga, have you checked your messages? Tanaka is planning a gathering for all of us, on the account that Hinata and Kageyama are finally going to be back in town for a while. Let them know when is okay with you?” Daichi reaches his hand out to take his, another on the steering wheel. “And I was wondering, when do you wanna go have dinner with my parents again? They’re itching and asking me constantly when I can bring you home-”

Suga stops him with a slightly harder grip, laughing now at his train of endless words. “Daichi, you’re rambling. You’re _worse_ than some of my students.”

His cheeks flush dark. “Now that’s just rude, you know that.”

 _“Sue me,_ I think it’s cute.”

Daichi protests with a whine. “You do not!”

“And what if I do!” Suga gives a shit-eating grin, trying to see what Daichi would do. They’re at a red light, so Suga moves his hand down from his, trailing slowly down his arm and down his uniform, feeling over the buttons, and he can hear the hitch in his voice when his own hand reaches the inner of Daichi’s thigh, too close for comfort, trailing further inwards-

“Koshi,” he hears, and Suga is trying extremely hard not to snort at the use of his first name because Daichi is flustered at his actions and he knows he would use his first name like he was scolding his juniors at work, “If we don’t make it home and we don’t get to watch the movie you’ve been bugging me to watch with you, _(Spirited Away, Suga reminds him later.)_ it’s not my fault.”

“Aw, bummer,” he pulls his hand back, placing them over the pillow in his lap, and leaning back. It’s not a bummer. Suga just knows what his touch does to the man.

When dinner is done and their movie is over, both of them are curled up in their bed, under a mess of pillows and blankets, and Suga is all wrapped up in Daichi’s arms. They fall asleep all cuddled up, warm from the incoming winter, Suga’s head on Daichi’s chest. The room is quiet, dimly lit from the lamp on their work table, and everything is alright with the world.

Suga wakes first the next morning at seven, having fallen asleep too early and waking up to adjust to his sleep patterns. He blinks awake, takes a moment to get used to his position (cheek to Daichi’s chest), pulls up the blanket, and tucks his hands over his waist. Daichi barely moves, not even a flutter, so Suga supposes he’s still too deep asleep.

Outside, the sunlight filters into the room, the golden rays making through the cracks between the two sides of the translucent, white curtains. Suga is reminded of his dream from all the years ago, watching Daichi sleep as the sun cascades gently off of his face, since he’s faced towards the sun. His skin glows, and Suga’s eyes trace every line, dip and curve of his face. So beautifully contoured, even if slimmer from the training and work that constantly puts him in stress, and he thinks Daichi has some of the most perfect features ever. He kisses Daichi’s chin this time, however, unlike his dreams, because now, there’s no need to hide how much he loves this man with all of him. His hand slips under Daichi's shirt, feeling over his bare muscles, and the scar that rests over his lower waist.

“Mm, I can feel you touching me all over.” his voice rings out, and it breaks the moment, but Suga could truly care less as he laughs into his chest, stifling giggles. “Trying to rile me up before I wake up?” he says with a bit of drowsiness as he opens his eyes, adjusting to the sun. “That’s cruel, Koshi.” 

Suga gives a grin that’s one of mischief. “You love it.” 

“Mm, I’m too tired to say no, so you win this one.” he rolls onto his back, rubbing his eyes and looking at the clock. “It’s only seven, why the hell are you awake? You’re never up this early on a weekend.”

“I don’t know. My body must be wanting something.” he teases, moving over to straddle Daichi, and placing his warm hands on his chest, feeling how toned his muscles are and how he breathes steadily. His response makes Daichi snort, sitting up against the headboard and leaning back. “Or maybe it’s just that I couldn’t go back to sleep.”

“I hope it’s the latter.” Daichi grins bashfully, hands now on Suga’s thighs, squeezing them gently the way Suga likes. Daichi can deny it for all he cares, but Daichi knows how Suga likes to be touched like this and he does it so well, knowing each and every of his weak spots. Suga has to hold back the urge to grip Daichi’s hands from his thighs. “Good morning, lovely. You’re looking refreshed for how late you slept.”

“I have to be,” he shrugs, leaning in to kiss his nose. “I’m up till one in the morning sometimes and you know that.” He thinks about all the times Daichi has caught him awake at some two in the crack of midnight and has to force Suga to bed or he won’t be up in time for his work. Sometimes it’s him who steers Suga back onto a path that he’s familiar, into a proper routine. _If Suga is the moon, then Daichi is his sun,_ because they adjust to each other and their individual flaws, making themselves better.

“Mm, if you’re up this early…” he comments, reaching up to pull him closer, and their breaths mingle when they’re just inches apart. Suga knows where this is going, has done this dance enough to know, and he’s not protesting because he wants to. Both of them are giggling, like high schoolers once more, before Suga groans out of impatience from Daichi's teasing and just presses his lips to his, their bodies pressing close, and Suga is desperately reaching to take Daichi’s hands and pin him down. 

Daichi pulls back breathlessly, and stares up longingly, which makes Suga’s insides twist and turn when he does finally pin him. This isn’t the most raunchy they have ever been, but in terms of passion, this _definitely_ does rival it.

“You know, I had a class yesterday about moral values, and we talked about love for others.” Suga starts before he slowly releases his wrists, “I had them tell me ways they showed it, and one of my students then asked how I show my love.”

Daichi is interested in this conversation, even despite the context of how heated they were earlier. “And what did you say? Is this the problematic child that reminds you of the team?”

Suga nods, chuckling now as his partner listens. “I told them everything. How I would cook for you when I’m home early from work, how we spend weekends together. I didn’t go into the details, though.” 

“If someone else said it, it would sound really general, but when it comes from you, it’s so romantic,” Daichi says after a beat, almost making Suga do a spit take at the comment.

_“You didn’t even try with that one!”_

“Do I have to when I’m with _you?”_ Daichi laughs.

“Mm, no- _mmph!”_ he groans when he feels Daichi tug him down for a long, passionate kiss. Like their first time, this feels like heaven; _full of want and longing, combined with parts of raw lust_ that he can tell because of the way Daichi tries to control the movements, and Suga willingly lets him do it. He doesn’t fight back, letting himself be rolled over, and he hears Daichi groan as he parts from Suga and starts trailing to his neck. 

“Dai, _Dai-”_ he giggles softly at the kiss on his neck, almost moaning when he sucks and presses his teeth gently to his skin. “Dai, I’m serious, look at me for a moment.”

He stops his movement and after kissing for a bit more, he relents and lays beside him, head propped up on his fist. They’re both a breathless, giggly mess, like horny school teenagers making out in the corner of the bathroom so they won’t be found out. Suga moves closer so they can have this moment just for themselves.

“I meant every word I said about my love.” Suga pats his chest, “In first year, when I told you my parents were often away, you would pack for me an extra bento and bring it to school, and made sure I ate because you were afraid I didn’t have enough food. In second year, when I had a whole floor burn from that receive I attempted, you walked me to the nurse’s office and helped me with the bandages for the week. And in third year, you made sure my voice was heard.” 

“I was doing what anyone would have-”

Suga presses his finger to Daichi’s lips, asking silently to let him finish, and he nods. “In hindsight, I should’ve seen the signs that you probably felt the same way, too. I was so worried about our prides and holding you back from achieving your goals, But now I look back, the way you hold me and how you go out of your way to make sure I’m okay, it means everything to me that you do, and I don’t regret a second of it all.”

Daichi’s lips curl into a gentle, genuine smile, pulling him into a hug, and Suga lets out the sigh he didn’t even realize he had been holding. “If I had to do it all again just to kiss you the way we did that night, I would gladly do it.”

Suga agreed. “You know I would, too.” 

Both of them lay beside each other in comfortable silence before Daichi spoke again, this time a lot more shy. “If...if in the future, we consider the prospect of marriage, _would you?”_ Suga glances up at his question. “Would you want to marry me?”

“Is this a proposal?” 

“Not yet, but I just want to know. We still have a long way to go.”

Suga considers it. They have been together for _almost_ close to five years, _lived together_ for three, and they’ve been through thick and thin together, sleepless nights in between when Suga couldn’t sleep because of the thoughts in his mind. He considers how Daichi barely made it alive that one time (that’s another story _neither_ of them really want to remember, but it's responsible for that scar on his waist.) when they were almost at their three-year mark, deciding that he finally wanted to stop dancing around the topic they always talked about and settle down with Daichi, and how they had both cried when Daichi finally woke in the hospital after his week-long coma, kissing him so hard and telling him that _yes, he wants to move in with Daichi for the rest of his days._ He thinks about how he wants to live this life forever where he gets to come home to the love of his life, and experience bliss all over again when he kisses Daichi with all of his might.

With a determined look, he nods. “I would love nothing more.”

Nothing warms his heart more than seeing the smile that widens on Daichi’s face.

_“It’s a promise, then.”_

_Everything is perfect, like a dream._

_He could not ask for more._

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! this one took about two days and it's something I'm proud of, because while trying to do a character study, it also came out all fluffy at the end and it's all good. so i hope you enjoyed reading as much as i had fun writing!!
> 
> if you want to talk to me, you can find me on twitter @/SUGAWARAVITY!!
> 
> xx char.


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